past tense: uprooted; past participle: uprooted
- pull something (especially a tree or plant) out of the ground.
- move from their home or a familiar location.
Many days here I feel perfectly fine, at peace, at home, and happy. To me, home isn’t a place. I have a constant place that I go back to (my grandmother’s) and that has sort’ve turned into my family home. I love it and miss it dearly sometimes. But home is not a place. It hasn’t been for a while, at least, for me. Home is wherever I’ve had to make it, with whoever I have made it with. Right now, I am doing that again and I love where I am. I love what I am doing. I love the people I am surrounded by. And I am so happy and grateful for the people that have made me feel at home here in so many different ways.
But still, none of this discredits or changes the fact that I miss certain places, or that I miss so many people. Sometimes it hits me and sometimes it comes slowly, in waves. I’ll suddenly feel so disconnected. It comes and goes and I’m sure it will for a while yet, but I’m okay. I think I’m okay because I’m aware of what this feeling is from and I know it is a part of this process, this uprooting. I have to go through it and I have to feel the sadness of the change and transition. Many feelings can exist amidst change.
I’m strong though. And I’m ready to root and ground myself, once again. I know I must recognize, feel, and acknowledge my sadness, but it’s so hard sometimes because I want to just feel all the happy parts and NONE of the sad parts. I also have a hard time saying it out loud; acknowledging it. And hardest of all, I don’t quite know what to do with myself when these feelings arise; when I recognize them. I start feeling really directionless and I don’t know what to do with my time. It’s hard to do things because I feel like I can’t settle or relax because I don’t quite feel settled or relaxed. I feel displaced and disconnected. But I know that in order to truly root and ground myself, I need to be honest with myself and part of that is feeling my sadness, feeling my happiness, and all the other feelings that come with this transition. I need to be honest with myself and those around me because I will truly reap the rewards of this transition.
When I did a Past / Present / Future spread the other night, I pulled the Six of Cups for the present. I wasn’t surprised, and I almost laughed. I looked at all the different coloured roots of that tree and I saw each root trying to fit itself into the earth. A giant tree trying to root and ground itself, growing throughout the process. I recalled the conversation I had with Kailene earlier that day about trying to fit myself into somewhere a little unfamiliar after being somewhere so familiar – somewhere that I have lived my whole life and know so well.
“You literally pulled your roots out of the ground that you knew and now, you’re planting them somewhere else. It will take time.”
It will take time and I am ready for it. I’ll take as long as I need and the process will take as long as it needs. I just wish I knew what to do with myself when things feel hard. I guess talk to people, and try to do things no matter how hard it may be. I am grateful though for how well everything has gone so far. This process is hard but an important one. I’m so glad that even if Edmonton is “unfamiliar” (in comparison to where I am from, to what I have known my whole life), it still is unfamiliar in a very light sense of the word, considering everyone and all that I have here. I love it here and I love it more every day.